I lose when I win
Hello — There are two quite unrelated, yet tangibly intertwined thoughts spinning around my mind at the moment. Both of these don’t really make much sense to an audience — I suppose my dear friend R can understand one a bit better than most — but even so, I will provide them for the sake of quickening the decomposition rate of these useless, meddling fireflies in my brain.
People love to rebuild & replace Ameyalli. Once they leave Ameyalli, even if they want her back, they’d rather have a cheap copy that satisfies no one. This lady is quite perplexed by this. Surely there are better ways to go about the pain of losing me?
I am a vampiress — I need permission to (re—)enter someone’s life. You must request me, allow me to get close. I refuse to force connection — otherworldly strings must bind us or it is not meant to be true.
So, why, when casting me aside, why not just simply request me again? 99% of the time, Ameyalli would gladly open her arms to someone who has left her — I recognize the love in their eyes & hearts, in their bones. I recognize they leave out of love for themselves. How beautiful. So why miss me? Continue to love yourself, if you think severing me is a way of growth.
I do not necessarily wish to be a mold, disease, or poison on someone’s growth. I’d rather be the rain that nurtures them, or the bee that spreads that happiness and joy to others.
Those are a bit separate tangents …
I cannot help but miss Him, I suppose, in some way. When I think about the way He thinks of me, it makes me so frustrated that my eyes start stinging and my ears begin ringing. Though, I guess He’d just say that means I’m blind & deaf to His reasons, right?
I feel like “missing missing reasons” parent at times, with my memories of Him. How could He think of me that way when all I ever did was try to be a good FP? — Those were my selfish thoughts.
I really try to rationalize for Him… Non, I used to try to. I’ve realized Him: Why try to rationalize behaviors of someone who won’t for me?
I’ll always love Him, I think, to an extent. It’s hard to let go of something with a name, something that you feel like is a bit of a creature of your own making.
Throwing tantrums and asking to be coddled to this day… Why do you need to do that, when Ameyalli would(‘ve) gladly grant(ed) her words to you any day? All she(’s) ever wanted was (is) to make you happy — can(’t) she try again?
Even if I write it in past — tense, I know I’m not quite past it. This will be my year. I didn’t write a letter for 10.23, after all.
In any case, that’s one loss written about.
I feel restless lately because I am denying myself something. It’s for the betterment of all things — let’s make the world a kind place — but I feel like I’m always looking for something more now.
It’s only been a day.
I really can’t help it — maybe it’s the adrenaline it gives me? When I argue, I get such a rush of joy that I feel dizzy, even if I’m sad too.
But it’s for the better, this way. Something like that, so tumultuous, can’t be maintained.
I want a happy life, but it feels impossible. I’m doomed to being a sadist in some way.
All I want is natural reactions and unconditional love — is that a selfish desire? (Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes)
I wish I could win, but I’m at odds with myself. When I find something that makes me happy, I find flaws in it regardless. I’m simply always dissecting. It can’t be helped. I need every nerve exposed until I’m displeased, disappointed, or disillusioned.
I wish I could see people the rose—colored way I see my fantasies, but I simply can’t. Maybe I’m just not meant to engage.
All I want is a natural reaction.
All I want is to be accepted.
All I want is to see & know.
All I want is to feel in control.
All I want is to keep something.
All I want is to inflict pain.
All I want is to cause happiness.
How can I be important if I don’t draw out your every emotion?
I feel like a tigress pacing her cage.
I’ll end here before I start crying.